checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
