Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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