The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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