my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
