Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Even my vagina gasped.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You are the jesus of drinking
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
