yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
you never un-have a 4some
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
