mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I puked a lego.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Randomize
