you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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