Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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