I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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