I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
