there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
