Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
