About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
