how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
