I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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