went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
