White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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