"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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