true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
im calling her cock vulture from now on
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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