just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
