Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
