you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
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There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
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I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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