I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
