i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
