i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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