I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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