I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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