oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
