alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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