Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
