those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
