My balls are so social today.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
