Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
