So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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