JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
