I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
