My hand turned me down
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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