I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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