Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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