shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
