Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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