there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
