so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
