Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
organizing the empties. That sober.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
