I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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