A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Boobs speak an international language.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
