I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
