i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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