how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
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Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
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Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."