Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?