Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
