dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
