Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
