she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
she told me i tasted like america
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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