If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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