best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
