Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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